Its a Sunday morning and it looks like it will rain the whole day. I've made a random playlist and planned to spend the day drifting through a room filled with my aura undisturbed by other people's influences. Except my mother. I may call her.
Thoughts I've been thinking...
1. How did I get here? Not here as in Seoul, South Korea but in life. I know its quiet a pointless question to be exploring.. no one finds gold through. What did I do get so terribly confused with love. Love and trust and belief. Is it because I'm afraid I'll be hurt again? Is it so simple? But I seemed to have convinced myself that Ive already done the worst to myself and nothing can harm me. I believe this time when I love someone I'm armed to hurt them. much against my wishes. Because I don't love wholly anymore, I don't know the head-over-hells feeling of love anymore. I like people but nobody and nothing and no situation feels wholly anything. And I chase that feeling secretly with a rush of blood. With dance, with swimming, with the little alcohol that I consume. And I want to say this to the whole bloody world till they listen and understand but I don't think people are ready to accept your vulnerability yet. What I' d really like is to have a conversation with someone who totally understands this and doesn't judge me and keep it all to him/herself.
2. Uncertainty. At 16 I seemed to know what I wanted to do. A couple of years later I frown much more and can't even trust myself. Yet I can go through a day almost effortlessly. I like the intensity of the teens.. if you were disturbed you howled, you hated, you cried, you sank and then you rose with belief. Now, you bob like a wave feeling like you are moving deeper or higher but you are just where you were, right in the middle of the sea.
PS: I would be perfect to sit this rainy day with Kaushik, Akshay, KD, Hari, Shilo, Shilo's mum, Paromita , vasanta aunty, Dhiren all at the same time. All the people who would talk a lot of things I don't know, great music, art, food, film and this that and the other and inspire inspire inspire.